Ab-solute Ab-omination

I started a new habit recently…because I’m crazy. I hold my abs in the whole time I’m in the car (while continuing to breath – very important if you’re driving). And I’ve committed to doing this every time I’m in the car (okay, not on our 12-hour vacation drive – my fingers were crossed).

Not the abs up top – those are easy. But the ones across your hipbones, the ones the work-out instructor is talking about when she says “pull that belly button back to your spine.” (I never knew what she was talking about.) The ones that help keep you from looking like Santa in your swimsuit. The ones Dr. Oz likes to point out are under there, and prove it with a giant inflatable raft full of jelly (your stomach) perched on a board. Who knew?

At first it was difficult to breath. Conversations went something like this: “Tomatoes are (pant, pant) a fruit because of (huge exhale, pant, pant) how they develop. (inhale) But since they’re mostly (pant, pant) used in savory cooking (quick little pants), they’re actually a vegetable (EXHALE…..)”

But then I started imagining I was on a talk show wearing a really tight dress. And that helped to make it more natural to talk, breathe and hold in, except I realized those celebrities get commercial breaks!!! (It helped to imagine them during those breaks with zippers exploding, buttons popping, huge potbellies sitting on their laps…)

It still takes a lot of concentration sometimes (especially if you’ve swallowed 32 ounces of liquid recently), and I wonder when the state legislature is going to outlaw holding your abs in as more dangerous than texting while driving. It would make a really awkward traffic stop: “Hello officer. I’m sorry (pant, pant) that I rear-ended that person in front of me. (hugh exhale, pant, pant) But I’m imagining I’m on a talk show wearing a really tight dress. (pant, pant, pant).”

I know, most of you have probably been doing this for years and wonder what the big deal is. Truthfully, I was not a fan – seemed like a lot of work. But as I’ve been working on increased fitness and core strength this year, I decided to take the challenge. I’m up to 20 minutes of holding in without relaxing. But when I let go…watch out – buttons may fly!

“It's a huge change for your body. You don't even want to look in the mirror after you've had a baby, because your stomach is just hanging there like a Shar-Pei.” Cindy Crawford (She’s one of those whose zipper I imagine exploding.)